


I Wish You Would

by KupKat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Coming Out, John's A+ Parenting, M/M, POV Alternating, Sexuality Crisis, kind of but also not awfully, kind of but not a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:08:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28864566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KupKat/pseuds/KupKat
Summary: “Cas, can you just let me in!” Dean rattles the door as his fist meets the wood.The door swings open to Castiel who wipes his eyes. “There’s nothing left to say, Dean! We can’t keep doing this to each other.”Dean pushes his way in and tries to pull Cas into his arms. “What are you talking about, Angel? Please explain it to me,” he feels each of his own blinks send over a waterfall of tears.Castiel’s voice trembles, “I can’t do this."
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

“Cas, can you just let me in!” Dean rattles the door as his fist meets the wood. 

The door swings open to Castiel who wipes his eyes. “There’s nothing left to say, Dean! We can’t keep doing this to each other.” 

Dean pushes his way in and tries to pull Cas into his arms. “What are you talking about, Angel? Please explain it to me,” he feels each of his own blinks send over a waterfall of tears. 

Castiel’s voice trembles, “I can’t do this. I’ve waited, Dean. I want you to feel comfortable but I can’t just wait for you.” His nose drips strands of snot as he whimpers. “It’s humiliating me! I know why you can’t just come out but it doesn’t change how it makes me feel. Watching Lisa, Anna, Bela or any other girl just cling to you all the time. And you don’t do anything about it!” 

Dean grasps onto Castiel's hand and pulls him close. “Please don’t do this. I don’t care about any of them- they know that! I tell them I’m not looking. You have to know this, Cas! I know it’s hard, I just need more time,” he sponges his sleeve over the snot on Castiel’s face. “Please, Angel. You’re everything.”

Castiel shakes his head. “Just stop making it harder, Dean, please. I love you, I just can’t do this. It’s hurting me. You are hurting me.” 

Dean gasps on his own wail and brings their lips together. The two of them give in to the kiss, pulling each other closer and closer. Their tongues brushing against each other’s as their tears and snot mix together. Cas groans and pulls Dean with him to the floor. He kisses Dean’s neck and sucks over the exposed skin. Not until Dean moans through his hiccuped cry does Cas pull back. 

“Shit!” Cas stands up and puts his hands out. “Fuck. Dean just… please go. I can’t- please get out.”

Dean stands up. They look at each other with exhaustion and Dean whispers “don’t do this.” 

Cas starts rummaging through his dresser, pulling out random articles of clothing and handing them to Dean. “Please. Whatever I miss, I’ll come give them to you, by your door.” Even with Dean clenching his clumped clothing ball he doesn’t move. They stare at each other for what feels like years but is probably only seconds. “You have to go, Dean. Now. You’re killing me… plea-" Cas begs. He closes his eyes to avoid looking at Dean’s heartbroken face for a second longer.

Dean opens his mouth to talk but quickly shuts it in dubiety. He turns around and leaves silently. The only noise is from the bunch of clothes being dropped onto Castiel’s floor as his nose whistles. “Keep em.” The door clicks from Dean’s exit.


	2. Four Weeks Later

**Castiel’s POV**

“Casanova?” A voice calls out. Castiel barely registers the question until a different voice follows up, ‘Clarence?’ He’s met with a sharp elbow dagger to the side.

“What!” Cas answers, before he realizes his tone. He tries again, “what?”

“I know you’re sensitive to the topic of dating, but do you think you could come with me tonight? I’m meeting a beautiful girl and she’s bringing her; if you don’t mind me saying, sexy-hot brother who is totally your type.” He sees Castiel’s grimace and clarifies, “you aren’t expected to do anything but maybe it’d be good for you to get out there. Just socialize.”

Cas glares, “no.” He watches his friend bat his eyes and he doesn’t fold. “Balthazar, no.” He glances over at his other friend who hummed a noise at Balthazar’s downright moronic question. “God. Tell him he’s ridiculous, Meg!”

Meg shrugs, “I’m always on your side. You know that.” Cas smirks at Balthazar but Meg sighs, “but... I think maybe he’s right? Just about socializing. You’ve turned into a hermit, Clarence. I mean- this is; what? The third time I’ve seen you in the past month?” She frowns, “I’m just worried about you. And I don’t know what to do. I’m not one for this touchy-feely crap. I could’ve killed the guy by now if you just told me the name of the sorry bastard who hurt you, though.”

Cas feels his eyes being overthrown by tears and he tries his best to blink the obvious pain back. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” Just as he tries to convince himself, he sees the boy from his art class, Aaron, walk by and yell over to one of the Dean fan club groupies. And okay, Lisa isn’t awful. And Anna has had her kind moments. They’re not terrible people. But they can flirt shamelessly and publicly with the one person who promised Cas a lifetime. A lifetime of hiding and repressing, obviously.

He groans to himself and scowls at his friend. “Fine. I’ll go.” Before either has time to look too happy about this agreement he finishes, “but Meg you have to go with. And I’m not dating the friend of your date. I may not even try to be polite.”

Balthazar smiles and claps loudly. Meg tries to argue about her appearance being needed but Balthazar shushes her into silence.

Cas looks at the time and stands. Giving a small wave to his friends as he grabs a book from his bag so he can slump himself into a desk and suffer his way through his next lecture. Suffer his way through an hour and a half of not meeting Dean’s eye in class.

**Dean’s POV**

“Dean, what do you think?”

Dean blinks, “sorry, what?”

Lisa looks between Bela and Cassie. “Clueless this one.” She looks back at Dean with her big smile and sparkling deep eyes. But these eyes don’t do a single thing for Dean. He misses blue. He misses getting lost in his eyes. Only his. “The song. What did you think?”

Dean honestly couldn’t say what the song sounded like, but he at least listened long enough to hear how proud Lisa was to record it for her performance class. He tries to be supportive of his friend, “yeah it was good. You did a great job.”

Lisa blushes and gives him a hug. “I have to get going. Performance timeeee!” She goes to sing out. Bela grabs her bag to follow her and Anna gives Dean a wink before she grabs her sketchbook to take off for class.

Dean sighs as the girls leave him. His heart sinking at the feeling of being alone. It doesn’t help that every time he’s near the girls, he’s reminded how hurt Cas looked talking about them. But just because Cas was jealous doesn’t make it his fault. And obviously Dean knows there was more to it than jealousy- but he will keep trying to convince himself of it, so he doesn’t feel shreds of metal tearing him up from the inside every time he feels guilt and dread about breathing another day without Cas. He always notices Cas watching the group before he walks by. How his eyes stare with daggers at the girls. He can see the way his brain changes from hatred to sadness each time, too. His eyes turn soft and he always looks away. Trying his best to participate with his own friend’s conversations.

Dean sees Cas all but bolt inside the building so he gives it a minute before he needs to get inside himself. Thank god for college courses and only needing to meet for lectures once a week. This particular one. Any more than that and Dean might actually need hospitalization. From something as terrible as his chest cracking open and crushing his heart in the process... or his own mental will going completely down the drain.

Dean tries his best not to meet eyes with Cas as walking in. But he was never a lucky man. The two look at each other with red rimmed eyes. The stare ends with Castiel’s eyes blinking closed so he doesn’t have to see Dean any longer. It reminds Dean too much of the exact last moment he and Cas had, the last time that they were so close in his room before Castiel rejected Dean’s love.

Now, Dean doesn’t have a single bit of motivation left to pay attention to this class. Before, he sat with Cas in the back row. The two would hold hands when no one was watching and Dean would type comments on his laptop and wiggle his eyebrows each time for Cas to look down and read. All of the messages were anywhere from funny jokes to heated flirtations. The whole time Cas would type back ‘pay attention, Dean,’ but his face would keep grinning because of the love they shared. Dean feels his tears build back brick by brick. He rolls his eyes to stop them from falling.

If anyone truly saw Dean this last month, he wonders what they would see. Because he doesn’t understand how anyone would think he was anything but empty.

God, can this day be over? Honestly, thank God for the long weekend. He needs to be home. Get out of the dorms and leave campus to mess with his baby bro and hug his mom and eat a ton of comfort food. Dean doesn’t even know how he will begin the conversation with his mom and dad. John never was too perceptive to his son's emotions- but Mary always knows. She knows the minute one of her son’s facial expressions changes. And Dean’s not so sure what to say now. Does he really want to come out to his parents just because he’s heartbroken? Obviously he’s hurt… but telling John? He doesn’t want to crack open that issue, in fear of still being heartbroken after and also breaking apart from his entire family.


	3. Chapter 3

**Castiel's POV**

“You dick!” Cas pinches Balthazar’s arm and feels the boy’s body tremble in surprise. “You said you were going on a date! Why are we at the fucking club!”

Balthazar shrugs, “I’m meeting her here. Her shift is off soon,” he rolls his eyes at Castiel’s anger and waves Meg over when he sees her walking back through the crowd. Somehow balancing many shots on a tray.

Meg sets them down and swats Balthazar’s hand when he goes to dive in for a shot. “Hey- you get one. The rest are for Clarence and I to get shit faced. We do not have dates to impress.” She earns herself a glare but Balthazar throws back a shot regardless and smiles as he waves to a woman walking up to them with a tall man next to her.

“Are you… Balthazar? Did I say that right?” He nods enthusiastically and she blushes, “it’s so nice to meet you. I’m Alicia. This is my brother, Max.”

Meg perks up a bit and Max chuckles at her looks. “I’m super gay,” he lets on.

Meg smirks, “doesn’t stop a gal from looking.” Max extends his hand to the two of them as Alicia and Balthazar have obviously already departed.

Max looks at the shots and flashes an ear to ear grin, “what’s the occasion?”

Meg lets him take one shot; no more than one, and then lines the rest in front of Cas. “No occasion. Just hoping Clarence can lighten up.”

Cas sends her fury with his gaze and Max chuckles at the feud, “if you need any help with that... let me know,” he winks at Cas.

God does he feel nauseous. Fuck. If he’s going to get through this night he’s going to need a shit ton of tequila to numb it out. He rolls his eyes and reaches for a shot. Meg went all out for him. There’s at least 10 shots on the tray still and he chuckles thinking about how much credit Meg gives him for drinking. Despite knowing his body could handle it- he doesn’t want to black out later so he starts with throwing back five. He passes one to Meg and another one to Max. “Go for it. I’m not going to have them all.”

Meg nods but puts two more in front of him. “Five is a buzz for you. Just two more so I can have my fun friend back, please.” She obviously wouldn’t care either way- if Cas didn’t accept the shots, she’d still go on to make his night the best as possible. But Cas understands. He’s been a downer (for a good reason that his friends don’t understand or even know of). Max licks his lips and asks Cas and Meg if they want to go dance. And shit if Cas is going to dance tipsy-sober. The last two shots spill down his throat, the same time Meg finishes the last off. “Let’s go.”

Thankfully the alcohol seems to hit faster the more Cas tries to move. He dances anxiously to a few songs and then feels his body start to respond to the liquor. For some reason; that no one would know, he starts laughing. Hugging against Meg on the dance floor. Max sways behind him and the three are all practically grinding to the shitty dance remix. Meg gives Cas a drunk smile and kisses his cheek. “Proud of you, Clarence.”

He watches Meg as she focuses on another guy zoning in on her. She winks at the two boys and waves to them, pulling away from their three way dance and greeting the new guy.

Cas feels a ping of sadness that she left him; just like someone else, but he’s not thinking of that right now. Instead he faces Max and holds his waist as he starts up dancing again. Max is happy for the turn of events and starts to grind down harder.

Cas doesn’t even care at this point. The alcohol clearing his head.

Cas doesn’t know how long goes by, but Max asks and offers if Cas wants to go to the bathroom and he shrugs his response and follows behind.

Max kisses him with need and spins Cas against the door of the stall. Locking it as he kisses Castiel’s neck. Cas feels tingly and realizes Max is cupping him through his jeans. He groans and lets his head hit the door behind and Max goes back to kissing Cas with need. Max unzips his jeans and does the same for his own. Time seems to race because Cas doesn’t know how they keep getting from point A to B.

But before he questions it, his dick is siding against Max’s and Max’s hand is stroking the two together. Cas moans and lets the feeling wash over him. Max comes within minutes, groaning into Castiel’s neck in chants of “fuck,” and “god you’re so hot.”

Cas doesn’t even realize he’s been daydreaming about Dean and their first time. Leaving class on Friday, after Dean was typing downright filthy things to Cas. Usually Cas would tell him to pay attention and deal with blushes the rest of the day- but this time he could feel the words and love behind them. His cock was twitching in his pants and he made Dean all but run back to Castiel’s dorm with him to fuck. The two taking turns with handjobs, blowjobs, and finishing the night with Cas fucking into Dean and watching the boy he loved (loves) spill onto his own skin. He grips Max’s shoulder and groans. “Fuck, fuck.” His eyes are still squeezed shut and he smacks the stall wall. “Fuck, Dean, Dean,” his come is coating over Max’s hand and Max just chuckles and grabs toilet paper off the roll next to them.

Castiel doesn’t even realize what he did until Max is tucking his cock back in his pants and the silence between them is unnerving. Cas with wide eyes whispers, “shit. I didn’t mean- I was…”

Max laughs, “thinking about your ex as you rebound? It’s ok. I get it… not the most rewarding of experiences, but obviously I can’t compare right now.” Cas nods sadly and wipes a tear that he didn’t know was even there. “What’d the jerk do? If you need me to make him jealous, let me know. I’ll just leave out the part about you screaming his name.”

Cas sighs. “He didn’t do anything. He’s uh- he’s in the closet. I broke up with him.” He bites his lip. “I thought he’d come out. Or at least tell a few people but he’s so scared and I couldn’t be there to watch it anymore… it was almost a year.”

Max kisses Cas’s cheek. “For what it’s worth, he’s an idiot for not showing you off to every last person.” Cas realizes he’s still standing with his pants around his low thighs and pulls them up and zips close. He opens the lock behind them and apologizes again.

They wash off at the sinks and he tells Max to go without him. He finishes in the bathroom by flushing his face with water and staring at his own reflection. This was a disaster. It feels like betrayal even if Dean and he are no longer together.

When he leaves the bathroom he stumbles back to the line of tables behind the open dance floor and waits for his friends. He knows; hopes, they’ll find him here because it’s the same table they started at. And the only reason he could tell the exact table is because of the glowing green palm tree light in the center. Cas stared at it for a good ten minutes before Balthazar made fun of him for how ‘badly’ he needed to be screwed. In reality, Cas wasn’t looking at it for anything other than trying to picture Dean’s eyes next to the dim neon green. He sits at the bar stool at the table for nearly thirty minutes. A few girls and guys alike have approached him but they get the hint quickly when they see his splotchy red face in the barely there lighting.

Castiel doesn’t react when Meg dumps herself back into the chair beside him. “Saw you just staring off over here. Figured you needed to be checked on. I saw you leave with Max,” she wiggles her eyebrows. Castiel’s sigh breaks into yet another sob and she straightens up quickly. “What did he do? Where is he?”

Castiel sobs into her shoulder, “he was fine. I- I- I said his name,” he chokes, “I wasn’t thinking of Max. I was thinking of Dean. I love him so much, Meg.”

Meg gasps and twines her fingers through his hair. She pulls out her phone with her free hand and Cas hears the faint sound of the text delivering and she stands. “We’re going to get out of here and you’re going to talk to me about Dean. Winchester, right?”

Cas bows his head in response and frowns. “No one can know, Meg. He’s not- we didn’t,”

Before he finishes Meg says “I know. I won’t say anything.”

**Dean's POV**

Despite pulling into his family's driveway and watching as Mary runs down the steps to greet him- he can barely force out a smile. Because being at home reminds him he’s not with Cas. And not being with Cas reminds him that he screwed up and lost the best damn thing he had. His parents didn’t even meet the guy; or even know about him, and now he’s about to shatter this weekend when they all have to witness heartbreak Dean for the first time.

Before he even climbs out of the car, Mary is on him. “Honey, is there something wrong?”

Dean wants to lie and keep living as normal but anytime someone asks him that question he loses it. “Mom… I met someone,” he starts. He sees her eyes light up and then slowly drop, “we broke up and I…” Dean gets far enough before Mary pulls him into her arms and whispers her sorries.

Dean should care that he’s sobbing in the driveway with all his neighbors around to see out their front windows. But he doesn’t. Mary walks him into the house as Sam launches himself at Dean. Despite the giant being in his sophomore year, he’s never stopped being affectionate with Dean.

Somehow his parents; John typically, was never bothered by Sam’s ‘feminine side’ (John's words, not Deans). He was always able to cry. And when Sam wanted Polly Pockets for his birthday they didn’t blink. But when Dean asked for a Bratz Doll or a Barbie Dream House- John had a look of despair. Dean knew then that he didn’t want to make his dad look like that again. So he asked for GI Joe’s and Western movies and switched his Halloween dresses and tiaras for superhero capes and army jackets.

Dean clings into Sam's hug and Sam quickly reads the room and looks to his mom for answers and direction. Mary tells Dean she and Sam will bring his things up in a while, but Dean's free to lay down in bed or on the couch in the meantime. Because “you must be tired from driving,” despite it being only an hour drive.

Dean doesn’t complain though and he sulks into his bedroom.

He sees an old playboy peeking out from under his bed and rolls his eyes at it. Before he realizes what he’s doing, he shreds the magazine in half and starts tearing at every page until there’s a hill of shredded puzzle pieces. Sam walks in and looks in horror at Dean’s work and gasps. “Dude, what did this girl do?” Dean laughs because if not he’ll scream. He would’ve had the same reaction if it were him looking at anyone else- even though he wouldn’t have said it out loud. But Sam’s not that perceptive to emotions that aren’t his and his crushes right now. High school brain has to be real.

“Sam… I,” he tries to speak. Tries to tell him ‘it wasn’t a woman. It was a man and I loved him,’ but no words form and he lets his body slump into bed with the shredded scraps.

Sam frowns. “Well mom said to let you know we’ll have dinner in an hour. When dad gets home. She said you can leave back to your room when you’re finished but you have to eat with us. Ok?” Dean nods and Sam nods back to him. “For what it’s worth, whoever it was, they don’t deserve you.”

Dean laughs again and feels like his throat is burning. “Sammy, this time, it was the other way around. No question.” He pulls at the bracelet around his wrist. The thin silver band Cas got him. The letters CN + DW engraved on the inside.

Dean mopes upstairs for a good chunk of time. Apparently it's been an hour because he hears the yell from Mary for the boys to come down to eat. Sam leaves his room first and races his way down the stairs. Dean goes to the bathroom to wash his face off and pat it dry before he starts his descent.

Mary must have filled John in because he sees Dean and murmurs a sorry towards him. When Dean shrugs, John pats him on the shoulder and sighs. Not saying any more.

When they’re all totally invested in their silent dinner, John speaks out. “Tell us about how school is going.”

Dean looks up and shrugs. “It’s fine.”

Clearly not the answer wanted because John sighs loudly and his stern voice goes, “Dean,” Mary grips his fathers hand in warning and John sighs again. “I’m being kind, Mary. But our son is fine. It’s not going to be his first heartbreak. What was so special about this girl anyways? You can find a new girl eventually. You’re a young smart man, Dean. You’ll be able to move on.”

Dean wants to vomit. But instead of food coming up, words fill his throat and spill out his mouth. “I’m not ever going to find another girl like them because I was dating a boy!” His own words shock him and he pulls back into himself.

“You’re gay?” Sam asks matter of fact.

Dean looks between his parents and brother and lowers his voice to respond. “I uh- I like women still, I just like men more. Maybe. Or at least I loved Cas more.”

Mary smiles through watery eyes. “Dean, sweetie, you loved this boy?”

Shit can Dean filter anything right now. “Uh… yeah.”

John gets up from the table, his fork hitting the glass.

“John!” Mary scolds and John just looks at Dean for a moment and back to her.

“Please just... I need a moment.” His father storms out of the room and Mary glares at the doorway he left from.

“Dean, your father and I love you a lot. Even if he’s awful at showing that right now.” She reaches for his hand and holds it. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

Dean stares at the remaining two family members and cringes. “You guys don’t care?”

Mary looks shocked and Sam laughs. “Dude, I think I already knew.” He then follows up with, “besides it doesn’t matter. My friend Gilda is a lesbian. And she’s dating this girl Dorothy right now. I think she’s bi. Or pan.”

Mary looks confused by the terms but nods along. “Did you really think we would care?”

Dean bites his lip and shrugs. “Well at least dad. And well…”

Mary glares at the doorway again; like John is just going to walk back in and see her look of anger. “Dean, your dad was raised in a very poor home. He grew up in really bad areas and didn’t have the same luxury of quality education.” She sighs, “I’m not excusing his reactions but that’s why. Your father and I talked before we had kids about this stuff, too. I didn’t want to go into having a family with him knowing we had far opposing ideas of raising children.” She continues and smiles at her sons, “despite how it may seem, John and I actually both found common ground in how we’d go about it if our children did ever tell us they were gay.”

She squeezes Dean’s hand. “I was much more open to the idea, and it took him some educating but we both agreed we would never disown a child for something so small. Something you or anyone else can’t change about themselves. I think; and hope, he’ll come back with better words for you.” She laughs, “I married him based on all the things we agreed on and promised one another. If he goes back on this promise, I won’t feel bad about putting him out on his ass until he understands.” Sam snorts at his mom and Dean actually lets a small smile shine out. Mary gets up and kisses Dean’s cheek. “I don’t know half of the things that go through that man's head. But I want you to know Dean, your dad will always love you. Even if I have to knock that back in place,” she kisses him again and cups his face. “Sam and I- we will always love you. There’s nothing you could tell me to make me stop.”

The three of them finish dinner with Dean going on and telling them about Cas. Although he’s felt sad speaking of Cas since the breakup, this time is different. This time he can talk about the boy he loves without the sharp twisting feeling of knives in his heart. And he can say it all to his own family.


	4. Chapter 4

**Castiel's POV**

“So how did it start with you and lover boy? When?” Meg drags on, “Balthazar didn’t know anything until you came around moping but I could tell there was someone. You were constantly happy. It was a bit sickening, really.”

Cas laughs and recalls Dean and his first time meeting.

“We were in the same second semester Statistics and Research class, last school year. The tables were two to a seat and he sat next to me. We literally didn’t speak to each other unless the professor asked us to.” He laughs remembering, “and then I got my quiz back. I failed, big time. And he laughed at me! But said I’d do better next time. That was the first honest conversation we had. And then the next class he came in and actually asked how I was doing. It was a whole shift and we started talking a lot.”

Meg smiles along and Cas keeps going, knowing she’d stop him if any questions came up. “We’d do all of our projects together and I started studying in his room because his roommate was always out. By the end of the semester I was at his dorm and his roommate said he had to go to the library for a few hours and invited us, but Dean said ‘no thanks,’ and as soon as the guy left he just gave me this look. I don’t know how to describe it but it was… I felt special. And he kissed me. Said he wanted to do it from the first time he saw me.

We just kissed for a long time and I went back to my room after. I was scared because it was in the last month of classes and I didn’t want him to go away after I felt like we just started. So I went to bed stressed out.”

Cas snorts at his own memory, “But I woke up to a lot of knocking. Thankfully Kevin left early for class. I got up half dressed and half awake and found him outside my door. He was crying, so I let him in. He was telling me how scared he was because he never had done that with a guy. Said his family didn’t know and that his dad would probably lose his mind. But despite all of that he said he wanted to be with me. So we started dating. We took things slow at the start. And then the school year was up and I stayed for summer classes and he had a job on campus so he started just staying with me. Used Kevin’s old bed. Balthazar left back home. I mean, I didn’t have anyone else here.”

Meg rubs Castiel’s arm, “so you stayed together all summer? God, I wish I had known you then. Maybe I could have helped.”

Cas shrugs. “I don’t think it would’ve mattered. He was so set in the fact that he didn’t want anyone to know. Becky, the RA, even caught him leaving my room one day and she started asking the two of us questions about “us” and Dean acted like he didn’t understand. Said we were just friends. That was our first big fight. But we made up, obviously. He just looked so small talking about being scared and not knowing how his family would react. I couldn’t make him suffer like that. And it’s not like when I came out it was all sunshine. I understood how it could impact someone so I let it go.”

Cas laughs, on the hysterical end and not the giddy side, “the day you and I met, I actually had just told Dean I loved him. Just blurted it out and he looked so surprised and I booked it. I ran and when I literally plowed you over… well that was it.”

Meg snorts, “dude you literally acted like you saw a ghost or just committed a felony. All that worry about telling the guy you loved him?” Meg chuckles and Cas actually laughs with her.

“When I saw him next… he played his guitar. Sang to the Beatles. Ordered dinner for us and when we were going to sleep he whispered it back. I didn’t care that he didn’t want to tell anyone. I felt so happy he loved me that I didn’t care that I had to keep it a secret.”

Cas bites his lip and gulps. “Eventually though… It just bothered me. I’d see girls try and flirt with him and even though he didn’t do it back it felt wrong. He didn’t tell anyone he was dating me; or dating anyone for that matter, or that he loved someone already. He’d just let it happen. We started arguing more. Our biggest fight was when I asked him if he’d want to meet my family. He didn’t say no but his answer definitely wasn’t yes. He got all weird so I asked him when he’d be comfortable telling people. I told him I wanted to tell my family and friends and he said it was too risky since Sam could find out online. We didn’t talk for a week but he made it up to me. Said he’d tell his parents over spring break and I was happy again. And then back from break, he said he couldn’t do it. But I felt bad for him and tried to understand and wait but… Meg. It kills me. I can’t kiss him or hold his hand in public. I can’t tell the girls who hang all over him that he’s taken. It just got to me and I couldn’t do it.”

Cas wipes a few trails of water off his cheeks and sighs, “I really tried but I don’t want to keep fighting him over coming out. I also don’t want to be the jerk who forced him to. I just wanted him to want me. Enough to tell others and choose me. But I couldn’t- and I can’t feel normal now. Because he didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t feel like we should be apart. I just wasn’t enough for him to-” Meg coughs and cuts him off.

“This is never about you being enough. You are enough. I’m sure he’s just as torn now. But you had to take care of yourself. I know you’re not better off now, but you also wouldn’t have been better off staying. Maybe he'll realize all of this and maybe he won’t. But you’ll get through. I’m always right here.”

Cas hugs Meg and then lays back on the bed. Meg spoons herself around him and lets him cry more.

**Dean’s POV**

“Dean, I need to do some work on the car, think you can help?” The gruff voice asks.

Dean looks at his father in the doorway and shrugs, standing to meet him. John walks to the garage. John went to bed early after last night's dinner and hasn’t whispered a single word in Dean’s direction until now. And it’s about a fucking car? Of course. Fix a car and remind me you’re still a man. Typical. Dean scoffs at his own thoughts. Despite it all, he follows his dad out.

John’s under the car and asking for Dean to pass him tools. It’s so awkward but at least he can’t see his dad's eyes.

John makes a joke about how Dean could still impress some ladies; and then coughs and says ‘maybe some fellas,’ if he wanted to offer anyone some work on their car. Dean blinks at the slight recognition from his dad and feels a ping of anger.

“Really? So I should go impress some ladies, and maybe some boys, by fixing their cars?” Dean huffs out an annoyed breath. “Why would I do that? Only person that matters is Cas and you can’t even talk about him.”

John sighs, “Dean you know that’s not true. This Cas guy, I get it. He broke your heart. I’m just trying to say I think you can still find someone. You have a lot to offer.” He climbs out from under the car and stands, wiping his oiled hands on a rag.

Dean laughs, “I have more to offer than just fixing cars and being a man! And I don’t care who all I can offer that to, because I don’t care about any of them. I love him, dad. I’m sorry this is such a surprise.”

Dean can’t resist speaking his mind right now. Everything feels like a personal attack. “I tried to be good and like girls and beer and cars and want to talk about fighting, sports, and classic rock but it’s just not me.” He glowers at his father, “and ok, sure, I like some of those things but it’s not all I am. I like cooking, having fruity mixers and riding bikes, I like reality tv and listening to pop music. I really like the color pink and I think I actually look great in it. I hate fighting and I hate going on our hunting trips. I think the animals are cute. When you took me shooting and I shot a rabbit, I hid in the bathroom that night and cried. And I know you don’t want me to have emotions and act girly- but I’m all of these things, okay? I don’t want to keep saying I hate all of these things and acting like I don’t care about them. Me loving a boy shouldn’t make you so disappointed. I know it’s a big surprise but,”

John interrupts his long; not easily followed rant, “Dean. I’m sorry.”

Dean is taken back and his mouth moves like a fish out of water. John pats his shoulder and sighs. “It wasn’t a surprise. I just tried to change you.” He actually looks like he has sorrow in his eyes, “when you were six, you and the neighbor boy with that mullet would hold hands and I asked you why you held hands and you said he was your husband. I can’t remember his name.”

Dean tries not to laugh at that forgotten repressed memory and whispers, “uh, Ash.”

John nods, “yeah, you told me ‘I think we’re in love and he has a cool mullet.’ And I just got worried. I saw the other neighbor boys and how they’d stare at you two and I felt like I needed to protect you from people. People like me, I guess.” He looks at Dean with pain flashing behind his eyes, “I realized you changed and I was happy because I thought you’d be safe and I had hopes for you. But I’d see this look in you sometimes where you looked lost. And I didn’t want to admit to being the one to do it so I ignored it. But when Sammy started getting older- I felt more guilt and I didn’t try to do that to him. I messed up one of my kids so bad that he didn’t even know himself anymore. And it’s hard to get to know your own kid when they don’t see themselves. But I thought certain things you liked, because you went along with it. And it gave me a chance to bond with you. I thought you might tell me you hated something along the way but you didn’t and I didn’t know how to tell you that you didn’t have to go along with it all.”

Dean’s been a crying mess as this last month has proved and he figured he’d be crying now, but instead he feels speechless. He feels like his body lost twenty pounds in the matter of minutes. He feels light. He thinks about his friendship with Ash and the other boys he’s met. How things he forgot or missed could have told him so much about himself. Dean could hardly admit his love of men to himself. And now he has three of the most important people in his life on his side.

“I know I don’t deserve to have your respect, but I hope you can understand why I did this. I wanted you to have the best life, Dean. That’s all I ever wanted for my boys. And I’m sorry I fucked things up so much for you to get here.” John is surprisingly the one who’s in tears. Dean hasn’t seen his father cry since he was ten and they went to their family friends, William Harvelle's, funeral.

Dean lets John give him a hug and he holds his dad back. The hug is relatively short and John wipes his eyes off fast after but Dean understands. He thought John would scream at him, ignore it and pretend it never happened, or kick him out of the house. He thought of every possible bad reaction; even the ones he deep down knew would never happen, because that’s how he felt about himself. Hiding every part of himself that brought him joy did not do well for his well-being.

With Cas he always felt different. He didn't need to hide himself because he knew Cas got him. He saw every layer of self hatred and he saw when Dean would pretend. He’d double check with him when Dean would pull away and be insecure. If Cas asked him if he wanted a beer or a cocktail, he’d never judge Dean for saying cocktail. He never judged Dean for buying sweaters at the store and then saying he regretted his choice. Cas would always just say, “oh I thought they were rather adorable, actually.” He never stopped seeing Dean for who he was, under all the bricks he buried himself under. Cas saw it all and chose him. And all Cas ever wanted from Dean was to be seen and he did a shit job at it.

“I really screwed it up with him, dad. I don’t know what to do…”

John smiles, “I know I have a lot to learn about you, Dean, but I know you’re never one to just give up on something because it’s too hard.”

Dean laughs lightly, “you ever have to win mom back?”

John scoffs, “what makes you think that?” By the look Dean gives him John folds and smirks, “I once wrote Mary a poem. Read it in front of all of her friends. They all made fun of me and it was probably the worst poem ever written. But obviously she liked it enough to stick it out.” Dean and John share a few more looks and then John asks Dean about going inside and asking Mary if they want to order lunch that he can go pick up.


	5. Chapter 5

**Castiel’s POV**

Speaking with Meg helped Castiel a lot. But he can’t shake the pain and guilt he feels for leaving Dean over not coming out. Obviously issues piled up as time went on, but it all comes down to that reason. Does that make Cas literally the worst person ever? Sure, he needed this. Needed to feel relief from the suffocation it was to hide the man he loved. But he can’t help feel awful about how it had to end.

He loved Dean. Loves him. Things would have been easy and Cas wouldn’t feel this heartbreak if only Dean had come out. But it’s never that simple. Cas understands that. But God does he wish things could have resolved.

Instead of letting guilt take his entire mind and body, he decides to reach out to someone. The school’s student run GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) has to have answers for him. Some kind of opinion on the situation. Maybe they’ll be mad and tell him he made the worst mistake. Or maybe they’ll help him heal.

He notices the one guy, Aaron, sitting at the front desk. Cas used to joke with Dean about Aaron. He was absolutely convinced Aaron had a crush on Dean. He knew from the way Aaron would interrupt whatever girl was speaking to Dean and try to interest him in a conversation between the two of them. He knew when Aaron invited Dean to dinner with him, to which Dean responded that he had plans but Aaron could join him and his friends the next weekend.

Dean always laughed and told Cas there was no way Aaron was gay and that the guy wouldn’t of been trying so hard for Dean if he knew he was ‘straight,’ even if it was just in passing. Cas would let the conversation go because Dean would do everything possible to remind him that Aaron had nothing over Cas.

Cas smiles at Aaron filling out a form. “Hey there…” Aaron looks up. Shocked that someone walked in and he didn’t notice.

“Sorry about that. What can I help you with?”

Cas grimaces. Not sure how to go about asking for help or even just someone to listen. And although he knows Dean would never date Aaron- it’s not in his best thoughts to talk to Aaron about his boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. As he’s trying to form his answer, a red headed girl pops out of the office behind the desk. “Aaron, did you figure out where we’re going for the drag show yet?” She notices Cas after and smiles, “hey there new friend. Welcome to the gayest place on campus.”

Cas smiles. Her personality obviously made for this job. She comes over to shake his hand and pulls out a basket behind the desk. “Come on, Aaron. Newbies always get a button,” she jokes.

Cas doesn’t want to be rude so he grabs the rainbow button from the pile and tries to pin it onto the corner of his hoodie. “So what makes you stop in?” She gasps, “oh right. My name is Charlie. She/hers, just your average super lesbian.”

Cas laughs at her bubbly outbursts and introduces himself with the same identifiers to describe himself. She holds her hand up in what Cas recognizes as the Vulcan Salute (something Dean has done often enough around him). “I actually came here to talk to someone? Confide in them? I don’t really know what you guys do… so maybe this is dumb?”

Charlie tsks at his words and waves him over. “Dude come sit with me. We can hang in my office. You can always come to gossip about your crushes and ex’s and talk about your sex life and ask questions. And nerd out, obviously.” She laughs and finger guns at Aaron, “but if you have any specific sex questions I’m going to point you to this fella here.”

Castiel shakes his head and she snorts. “Kay just wanted to make that clear.” She let’s Cas choose a seat and then she plops herself onto the fluffy bean bag chair on the ground. “Floors all yours, Castiel.”

Castiel doesn’t want to make it awkward. Charlie is such a sociable person that he feels comfortable around her. Not in the slightest bit worried she’d laugh him out of the office. “I was dating a boy.” She makes an ‘ooh’ noise and he laughs. “Was. He uh- he was closeted. Still is. We met last school year and we hit it off. And then I broke up with him."

She nods him along and he bites his inner cheek. “I broke up with him because he didn’t want to come out. I mean I thought I gave him a lot of time. It was so close to a year. Thought he’d want to meet my friends and family. He didn’t think it was a good idea and… it just hurt. But I love him. And I want to be able to heal but it’s so hard. Especially because I feel like I betrayed him.” He plays with his hands and laughs sadly, “does this make me a bad person? Not sticking with him? I feel like I should have tried harder but it just… it was so painful to hide this part of me.”

Charlie looks torn but then smiles when she knows he’s done asking and talking. “From how little I know of you two; no, I don’t think you did the wrong thing. It’s important for everyone to make decisions that will impact them positively. It seems being open and present is a value to you and asking for that is not a crime.”

She looks to be calculating her next thoughts. “I do think this could be a learned experience, though. If you meet someone who starts the relationship in fear and withdrawal, I would step back. People in the closet deserve the love and support they need, but it’s not our job to change ourselves to do it. Be a friend first and foremost. Help them see how exciting and powerful it is to be true to yourself. If it’s not labeled, they won’t retreat in panic of the unknown. Instead they see a friend and can find admiration for who you are and eventually, hopefully, for who they are. It can be more inspiring.

But as I said, I do not know details of your relationship. So do as you want with that advice. And honestly, he might feel betrayed and hurt. But what happens next could be good for him. He may stay closed off for some time, but I think having the experience and knowing how great it could be- it’ll help him in the long run.”

Cas smiles thinking about everything Charlie has said. She relaxes on the bean bag and stretches her arms. “I do have to ask, though. Are you okay? Truly?” She looks sincere as speaking, “I know how difficult it can be to retreat back into the closet when people we love are still inside. I just want to make sure you’re not struggling to re-find yourself.”

Cas wonders on that one. “I’m not really sure. I think I’m ok. I’m still heartbroken. But I think I’m also relieved. Not about being apart from him… never that. But I don’t know? Feels like I can breathe and say and do things without wondering if it’s going to make someone retreat from me.” He feels guilt for having those thoughts, too, but it’s helping to say them all out loud so he can stop carrying them inside. “I’m okay, Charlie.”

Charlie claps and doesn’t make the moment any more serious or saddening. She reads Cas and what he needs after vomiting his emotions out for so long. To a practical stranger. “We’re actually having our meeting in a few. Wanna stick around and attend? Honestly we’re probably just going to talk about Hollywood stars and rate our options. And eat pizza. If that’s your kind of thing.”

Cas snorts, “who wouldn’t love pizza and fantasizing about their famous crushes.” Before Charlie leads Cas out of the room and to the main lobby to gather up the group he stops her and whispers, “thank you for talking to me.”

She doesn’t answer but she puts her arms out in ask of hugging and Cas gives in and let’s her squeal into the hug.

**Dean’s POV**

Dean doesn’t want to go back to his dorm room and mope about Cas while being alone. He’s trying to start new. Rebuild his self worth so he can have enough courage to get Castiel back in his life. He knows Cas deserves a loving, patient and present boyfriend. And he is so close to gaining the confidence back in being present for him. This time in the right way. Being able to show him off to his friends and meet Castiels. Be able to spend holidays with each other’s families. Hold his hand when they go walking on campus and not purposefully leave a gap between them so no one suspects him.

Dean is so close to that confidence but he wants to be able to prove it to Cas without hesitation.

So instead of being alone in places that let him spiral out and second guess, he’s nested on a bar stool chair, overlooking the campus through the giant window in one of the many study nooks in the building. He has his headphones in and his laptop is plugged into the table top outlets. He's wearing his fluffy purple sweater that Castiel bought him after Dean panicked about not being able to pull this look off.

He’s typing a paper for his creative writing class when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and faces a girl in all black and leather. “Dean is it? Hi, I’m a friend of Castiels.”

Dean lights up at the name and nods. He recognizes the girl from the photos Cas has in the dorm and from his recants of stories of his group. “Hi Meg.”

She looks gleeful that he knows who she is, behind her eyes that are trying to fool him into thinking she couldn’t care less. “We need to talk.”

Dean looks at the chair next to him and she takes the hint and sits. He goes to pause his music and she lets out a far too loud of a laugh. “Sorry, sorry. Just didn’t think I’d find you listening to Taylor Swift.”

Old Dean would have been embarrassed. He reminds himself that the new Dean doesn’t have to feel shame over things he loves. “Hey, don’t knock on Taylor. She’s incredible.”

Meg laughs at his comment and Dean can tell it’s not out of judgement. “As long as Reputation isn’t your favorite album…”

Dean scoffs, “1989.” He coughs to refocus because he’s sure Meg wasn’t here to talk about Taylor Swift with him. “What do you want to talk about?”

Meg looks like she questions herself and her own wording but says, “you broke Cas and I want to ask why. Why couldn't you just… do it for him. He doesn’t think he deserved you or was good enough to make you choose him. And it’s shit to watch as a friend because that guy would give his life for you. And I only just found out the reason for his obnoxious constant happiness this week when I had to see him break down.”

Dean doesn’t know how to really clear his name to Castiel’s best friend. Even if Cas and she haven’t known each other for long- Dean knows Meg is one of the closest people to him.

“Look, I didn’t realize how painful I made it for him. I thought he was content with what we had and I know I’m a prick for thinking that. But I was scared. And yeah, I didn’t know what my family would do and it freaked me out- but I also didn’t want to admit it to myself. I admitted to myself that I loved him and that I was in love with a man and that I wanted a future with him. But I still felt scared. Because I didn’t know myself. I was scared of myself. If I admitted it to other people… I didn’t know how to be myself anymore because I thought everything I grew up doing was all I had. But I realize I’m more than stupid expectations. The things I liked when I was ten could change and the things others told me to like- I didn’t have to. I get it now and I know it’s like, a little too late. But I’m trying.”

He tries to see any emotion Meg is feeling towards him but is unsure. “Listen, I still love him. I’ll always love him. And I want him back and I want to make him proud and I want to give him everything he deserves. So I’m trying to help myself so I can actually love him how he needed the whole time.” He laughs, “I wouldn’t be sitting here; in public, in a fluffy purple sweater listening to Taylor Swift as I write a paper on gay panic if I wasn’t really trying.”

Meg tries her best to hold it back but she hums out a giggle. “Dude I was so confused with the sweater. Cas made you seem so manly and to find you wearing this was quite a shock, to be fair.”

Dean laughs and agrees. “I promise you, I’m getting better. I want to be someone who makes him proud. And even if he won’t have me back… I’ll make myself keep proving myself to him everyday.”

Meg nods in concern to Dean's promise but with a hint of hope behind her eyes. “You need to tell your family. Friends. Anyone. Cas might take you back with that speech but I won’t let him.”

Dean feels slightly annoyed by the over protective friend role Meg is working with, but he can understand. “I told my family. I uh- made me realize all of this shit actually. They were happy for me.” She looks pleased to hear and jumps down off the stool.

Meg and Dean start to part ways when Lisa and Cassie run over to Dean. Cassie looks at him in confusion and asks about the sweater, while Lisa shrugs it off, “it’s super cute, think I could borrow it sometime?” Meg overhears and scowls at the scene unfolding. No faith. Not that Dean deserves her good thoughts.

He pulls out of Cassie's hold. “It was actually a gift. From my boyfriend. Well, ex boyfriend. But yeah.” He looks away from Cassie’s annoyed expression, “Sorry Lis, kinda want to hold onto this one. Hoping he might take me back.”

Although Cassie looks ready to storm away, Lisa blushes. “I’m so sorry, Dean. I didn’t know you were seeing someone… and um I didn’t know you were into guys.”

Dean nudges her arms with his fist. “No problem. Kinda didn’t tell anyone. Fucked it up with Cas and I want to make it right.” Lisa looks excited for him and she sticks around to keep talking. At some point Cassie must have stormed off because she’s no longer staring invisible blades at him. And Meg must have left but Dean did meet her hopeful eyes once he spoke Castiel’s name to the girls here.

Lisa is all but squealing about Dean’s love life and she gasps, “dude! I’m so happy for you. Seriously I’m so sorry for trying to flirt with you. You said his name was Cas? I don’t know who he is but he sounds hot.” She blushes, “‘not like, for me or anything, but like you two… who knows about this?”

Dean laughs at her excitement and explains just him, Castiel's friend, his family and now the two girls know. He follows up with, “it’s not a secret. Not anymore. You can tell whoever you want. Just for clarification though, I’m bisexual. I’m just completely gone on Castiel Novak and no one else. Don’t need any more desperate girls and guys swarming me,” he jokes with her.

Lisa sees Anna and calls her over and Anna gives her best flirty smile and Lisa slaps her softly and whispers, “don't you dare.” Anna looks offended and Lisa looks for Dean's approval and he nods. “Dean’s bisexual and he’s trying to win back the guy he’s in love with!” Anna gasps and has the same facial expression Lisa had.

Her eyes widen and she hugs Dean. “I’m so happy for you! Holy shit why didn’t you tell us to just fuck off? Or why didn’t your boyfriend? Jesus, who is it? I need to give them a gift basket.”

Dean tells her again that it is Castiel and Anna grins. “Oh my god, he was in my history course. No wonder he looked like he wanted to smite me.” She laughs, “round of applause for you though, he’s entirely dreamy.”

Dean talks to the girls for a while longer and then gives his goodbyes. Not before telling them they have his 100% permission to tell anyone they see. And it’s a good thing it was Lisa and Anna; these two are probably friends with the most diverse cliques and Dean knows it wouldn’t take too long for a good majority of his campus to find out. Even if the others don’t care or even know who the fuck he is.


	6. Chapter 6

**Castiel’s POV**

Castiel was in his last class of the day when he overheard a girl whisper, “that’s totally him. That’s the Cas.”

He’s never felt great when he overhears people talking about him. He will always think it’s unpleasant before he even knows what the topic is.

Another guy overhears the other student’s conversation and looks. He smiles and waves at Cas. Weird. He then turns to his friend and smirks, “damn, Winchester knows how to choose them. He’s totally hot. That’d be worth changing teams.”

Cas feels red because he has no idea what everyone is talking about but when both he and Dean’s names come up together… it’s not a good sign. Did Meg tell people? It doesn’t sound unlike her but he figured she’d at least give a heads up.

He panics thinking about how Dean feels. Even if he was in constant pain about Dean hiding- he never wanted to out him. Never wanted it to come to this. Shit he needs to find Dean. Needs him to know he didn’t mean to ruin his life.

Class goes by painstakingly slow and he spends the majority of it growing sicker as he hears more whispers about Dean and he. Fuck!

When class is over he shoves by a bunch of gossiping people and books it. Dean should be finishing his children’s literature class by now. He’ll probably hang out in the quad before he heads back to the dorms. Or maybe he’d be too embarrassed to stay there today? Cas bounces between the two locations and decides it’s at least important he checks the field first and then rush over to his room.

He’s jogging past groups of people laying out in the grass or working on their studies and even playing frisbee or kicking a ball around.

He tries to dodge by a guy kicking a soccer ball but trips and slides forward. He feels arms grab him in reaction and pull him up. He blinks at the guy who saved him from falling on his ass and laughs at the awkwardness of the meeting. Max laughs at him and lets him gain balance. “Where are you heading so fast?”

Cas looks around quickly. Scanning the field but doesn’t see Dean. “I need to find Dean.” Max makes an ‘ah’ sound. “Yeah I heard about that. So he came out for you? Congrats dude.”

Cas looks confused and shakes his head. “No. I think he was outed and I need to find him.”

Max doesn’t look overly invested but also gives him a contemplated gaze. “I mean what I heard was that ‘Dean Winchester is totally gay and he’s in love with Castiel.’ I guess that could be an outing, though. Good luck finding him.”

Cas feels lost but says his goodbye to Max and keeps going. He sees Cassie; typically near Dean, and notices how she gives him a glare and he shakes it off. He is ready to give up and head back to the dorm when he sees a bouncy redhead jump and point at him. Anna, if Castiel remembers right.

With her, he sees him. Dean doesn’t look scared or embarrassed or upset. When Lisa notices Anna, she interrupts Dean and points his face in Castiel’s direction. His face lights up and Cas can’t help but smile. What the hell is happening?

Anna and Lisa link arms and give Dean a wave and giggle as Cas comes over. Cas notices Dean’s wearing the sweater he bought for him. He feels a warmth spread over his body but doesn’t want to have his hopes be held up. “Dean what’s going on? Are you okay?”

Dean gives him a carefree smile and moves closer. “I am now.”

“Dean, I swear, I only told Meg. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Are you really okay?” Cas looks around and sees a few people looking at them and he tries to step back. Maybe Dean can just tell everyone it was a joke and it can go back to normal for him.

Although he’s pulling back, he feels Dean grab his hand and pull him back closer. “Dean?” He feels his head cock to the side and Dean just smiles deeper.

**Dean's POV**

“Cas. I missed you.” 

Cas doesn’t seem to understand and Dean makes their hands entwine. “Meg didn't say anything. I mean, we talked but she was keeping it in. I told Anna and Lisa. And ah Cassie. Told them they could tell whoever and you know how talkative they are.”

Cas looks in shock and blinks at Dean. Like it’ll all change if he blinks hard enough. “Obviously I told some other people. Told Benny and Garth. And Aaron. Hah- you were so right about that one. And talked to Balthazar. He warned me that he was going to kick yours and my asses after we figured it all out for leaving him in the dark.” 

“This… this can’t be real.” Cas feels Dean grip his hand harder but it’s like no amount of feeling could bring him back to reality. “Dean why would you do this? What if Sam finds out and tells your parents… you didn’t have to do this!”

Dean places his hands on Castiel’s hips and holds him in place. “I didn’t have to. But I wanted to. You deserve this, you always deserved this. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready sooner. You gave me so much time that I didn’t deserve. You’re the most giving person. And I took it for granted. Even if you don’t want me now, I want to live like someone who you would want.”

Cas gasps, “I’ve always wanted you. Don’t say that.” He looks at how sincere Dean’s eyes are gazing into his own. “Dean, but what about your family?”

Dean tries to hold back the biggest grin but fails and shrugs. “Well Sammy will probably be obsessed with you at first but I’m hoping he doesn’t idolize you forever. My mom is basically planning our future wedding in her head. So like, if you really don't want this will you at least call her and tell her so she could have a heads up. And uh, my dad is okay. He kinda feels like shit for ‘changing me’ but he also kept going on about being young and finding someone. Which I think I finally got through to him at the end about having already found my person.”

Cas looks in disbelief still and Dean cups his face. “They all really want to meet you. If that’s something you still want.” Cas nods his head that’s being held in Dean's warm hands. “I really don’t want to overstep and push your boundaries, but I really want to kiss you. Is that okay?”

Cas feels overwhelmed and startles himself by his own loud reply. Dean wipes Castiel's eye and whispers closer, “I love you, Angel.” He kisses his lips over Castiel's. They share a quick kiss, a desperate one, and one pure from the relief.

He smiles into the kiss and Cas pulls on the bagginess of the sweater. “You look perfect.” Between another kiss Cas moans out, “gorgeous.”

Dean heard what sounded like a few whoops and claps but he mostly tuned out everything around him. Castiel moans against his tongue again and Dean pulls away for a second. Cas looks panicked and like he overstepped but Dean kisses his cheek quickly and whispers, “Cas as much as I love showing you off right now and do not feel embarrassed by any of this- you’re gonna embarrass me soon for a reason related to your moaning on my tongue. Do you wanna go back to my room?" In panic he adds, "we can just talk more, we don’t have to do anything else.”

Cas blushes. “Yeah, please.” The two start walking and immediately Dean takes Castiel’s hand.

Cas pulls out of Dean’s hand with a few minutes left of their walk back to the dorms. He stops and stares at Dean. Dean looks worried but Cas says matter of factly, “if you’re not up to it, we can talk. But I think I want to have my tongue on you." He looks like he's considering between two important options, "no, definitely in you.” He spanks his hand over Dean’s ass and smirks, continuing to walk without Dean.

Dean watches Castiel’s confidence and can’t help taking his time to follow behind Cas as he gets a good look at his boyfriend. “Fuck yeah,” he whispers in response to no one in particular.

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to hours of Angsty-Taylor Swift and this was the product. I will add some time stamps to this as I write more, but I was just super excited to actually write something again. All edits made by myself, so if I missed anything, my apologies.


End file.
